


Wee Small Hours

by jturner36



Series: Doug & Carol - by Jordan Turner [41]
Category: E.R.
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-29 23:40:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14483763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jturner36/pseuds/jturner36
Summary: Doug spends the day with Carol and their girls.Thank you to Claire, Lisa, and Ruth who have seen pieces of this story for almost one year. Please don't be too critical of Carol in this story! It was necessary to write her this way to show the pain that has kept her away from Doug. He must have caused great pain in her heart to have her act as she has, and he is forced to confront that here. Have faith that it gets better soon, please. Any comments, positive or negative, are always appreciated.





	Wee Small Hours

**Author's Note:**

> The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.
> 
> Stories in the series:  
> A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Transition Game; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life; Residuum; Aftermath; Letters Never Sent; Wonderful Things; The Mere Fragrance; Walking the Tightrope; Vernal Equinox; Bits of Broken Glass; What it's Not; Ayant Seulement L'Imagination; Culmination; Tidings of Comfort; Parallel Hearts; Visitation Rites; Wee Small Hours; Barometric Pressure; The Emerald City; A Peaceable Start; Mother's Day; Spilling Forth; Significant Other; Doug and Carol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the sun is high in the afternoon sky  
You can always find something to do  
But from dusk 'til dawn as the clock ticks on  
Something happens to you

\- D. Mann/B. Hilliard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doug was less than eight miles away, yet he felt he was in another world. Leaving Carol's house, leaving his babies behind was incredibly difficult for him. He wanted to stay, to wake up to their voices, to pick them up out of their cribs first thing in the morning and hold them close to his heart. In the end, though, his need for self-protection outweighed his heart's desire.

The sight of her had stirred up such longing in him. She was absolutely beautiful and seeing her now as a mother, seeing how she took on all the responsibility of her pregnancy and their delivery and how she was taking such wonderful care of them filled him with awe. She had carved out a life for herself and as was her way, she had done it well.

Tonight, his world had been splintered apart, and he needed to leave just so he wouldn't cry, so he wouldn't implore her. His emotions were raw; her reaction to him was so guarded and reserved that he needed some time to think, to sort everything out. As he drove east, he bypassed the hotel and went to the lake. He spent an hour overlooking the blackness, distracted by the snowflakes that fell on the windshield only to melt instantly. At one point he got out of the car so he could hear the night, smell the air. In the past, the lake had always helped clear his head. Tonight it reflected his soul and reminded him how cold and desolate his life was without Carol. Without his family. When the bitter wind finally seeped into his center, when the blackness became overbearing, he climbed back into the car and went to the hotel where he spent ensuing hours staring at the ceiling, conjuring up the warm feeling of his babies in his arms.

*****

Carol tossed and turned on the couch. She strained to replay each fractured conversation they had shared tonight, strained to commit it all to her memory. What distressed her most of all was that the man who had appeared at her doorstep this night was not the same man that had shared her home last year. His humor, his hearty laugh, his lust for life and the vigor with which he approached things was submerged. In its place, she sensed only his shadow remained. The separation had noticeably taken its toll on him.

During all the time they'd spent apart, Carol had innately known what his life was like. She envisioned him going through the motions, retreating back into himself, allowing the depression that had always loomed to overtake his life. His continual attempts to contact her, the quiet messages he left telling her he was thinking of her, and the money he sent month after month were all his way of reaching out to her, even though he must have known that she was trying hard to move past him.

Part of her had figured that he would be able to get on with his life. It would have been easier for her if he had. One day, she figured, he'd call saying he was giving up. Or she'd find out from Mark that he'd met another woman, that someone in Seattle had attracted his eye. She counted on it so that it would be Doug, not she, who closed the door on their love.

Carol, who was so adroit at masking her feelings, didn't want him to know how truly defenseless she felt. She had tried to exude an air of confidence since the babies were born, to let him know that she was strong enough to live without him. What he did, the way he hurt her by leaving her alone was unforgivable. Any notion that he had which might lead him to believe that there was even a remote possibility of insinuating himself into her life needed to be squelched. If she allowed him to see her loneliness or her unhappiness, she'd be vulnerable and that vulnerability was to be avoided with vigilance if she were to keep her head above water.

With a final glance at the clock, she realized that her day would begin within scant hours. She rolled over, facing the cushions, and pulled the quilt over her ears, drowning out the sound of his voice.

Doug woke up at 7 a.m., content that he'd gotten at least a couple of hours sleep. He shaved, showered, put on a pair of jeans and a black sweater, then stuffed his clothes from the previous day into his bag. He went to the closet and put on his jacket. It was 7:30. Time to go to Jewel to buy breakfast for Carol.

By the time he arrived, the sunlight was glinting off the snow on the tiny yard in front of her house. He parked and was relieved that no neighbors were outside. The light was on in the upstairs bedroom and Doug wondered if the girls were up. He rang the doorbell and waited for her to answer it. He heard her running down the stairs and when she opened the door, he grinned over the grocery bag.

"Good morning," he greeted her.

"Hi," she smiled back. "Come on in, you're in time for their baths."

Doug jokingly asked, "Are you sure you trust me with slippery babies?"

She wasn't buying any of it. "You were a pediatrician, Doug. How many children have you dropped before?"

"Well, if I don't count the ones that've bounced...."

"Knock it off," she warned him good-naturedly. Doug put his bag on the counter and sprinted upstairs, taking the steps two at a time. He heard them and their voices from the hallway and when he walked in, he laughed his quiet, intimate laugh. The babies were in their diapers in the middle of the carpeted floor. Tess was on her back and Kate was on her stomach, supporting herself with her arms. He grinned widely and then got down on the floor so he could be in the middle of them.

"Morning, Kate. Morning, Tess," he crooned and the babies looked up at him. Only Tess smiled. Doug leaned over her and kissed her cheek, avoiding her hand, which reached up to smack him in the ear. He buried his face into her neck and kissed her again, then leaned back and laughed before diving in to kiss her stomach. Tess tensed up and gurgled in response to his tickle. He turned to Kate, then, and kissed her toes, then her back, evoking a shriek from her, followed by laughter. Doug sat up, then, and picked Tess up, placing her in his lap. She reached for his face and he grinned as he made out her features. Her eyes were dark and danced beneath her long lashes. Her stomach was soft and round and her thighs had roll upon roll of baby fat upon them. Doug brought her to his chest and kissed her shoulder before letting her down.

When he turned to Kate, she pushed up on her arms so she was face to face with him. He nuzzled her cheek and inhaled her. "Whaddya say, Kate?" He picked her up, but Kate frowned once she got a good look at him and turned away. "Are you shy, or has my reputation preceded me," he asked seriously. Carol, watching all this from the doorway after turning the water on in the tub, giggled.

"Kate is...the more challenging of the two. She's just...."

"Rebellious?" Doug surmised.

"I wouldn't say rebellious. Just harder to manage."

"That's okay," Doug told Kate confidentially. "That's a girl after my own heart." Kate, upon hearing his voice, looked at him warily. "Okay," he repeated. "You take your time gettin' to know me." Doug smiled and put her down gently, then looked up at Carol, astonished. "How does it happen that you just...fall in love with them so easily?" he wondered aloud.

Carol took a deep breath, having trouble managing her reaction to his blatant adoration of his daughters. "You do, don't you. It's amazing," she agreed. "Okay, girls, time for your baths."

Doug stood up, waiting for some direction from Carol.

"We'll do it in the tub today, together," Carol told him. "Usually it's a one-at-a-time sort of thing, I can't manage two of them at once without an extra pair of hands."

"Do you get much help?" he asked, feeling uncomfortable hearing about the small, daily trials she'd managed by herself for so long.

"Sometimes," she explained, while removing Kate's diaper. "My mom sometimes, or...usually just my mom will come over."

"She must get a kick out of them, huh?"

"She does."

"Maybe it'll be better when they're older. When they can sit up by themselves." Doug pulled his sweater off and Carol averted her eyes after seeing the muscles in his arms and chest moving under his T-shirt.

Carol smiled at her girls. "Yeah, I think so."

Once she was sans diaper, Doug took Tess, following Carol and Kate into the bathroom. The room was awash with the colored sunlight streaming in from the stained glass window. Doug and Carol looked up at it, then each carefully placed a baby into the tub.

He was so at ease, she noticed, talking to the Tess, taking care of her. It surprised her, frankly, that she was surprised by it. Of course a pediatrician would be at ease with a baby, but he handled Tess in the bathtub as though he'd done it from the very start. After washing her face gently, he took the washcloth and laid it on her stomach, then ran warm water over it. "What are you doing," she asked curiously.

"Well, the washcloth'll hold some of the heat from the water on it, keep her warmer," Doug said matter-of-factly. "Don't want her getting chilly. We learned that watching the nurses in the nursery," he further explained. As he slowly leaned Tess back, he cupped his hand and poured water on her head, carefully avoiding her eyes. He shampooed her hair, all the while smiling. Carol, stealing brief glances at his face while she bathed Kate, was relieved to see some sort of happiness from him. It comforted her. After Doug rinsed her hair, he washed her body, laughing each and every time Tess splashed water at him. "Good thing I took that sweater off, little girl," he stated.

He picked her up and reached for one of the towels that Carol had laid out. "Where do I find her stuff?" he asked. "To dress her?"

"I laid her things out on the changing table."

Doug bundled his daughter within the fluffy towel and, whistling, left the bathroom.

By the time Carol came in with Kate, Doug was gone. She fought to get Kate's diaper and clothes on, then began walking downstairs. The smell of bacon cooking met her halfway down the steps, and she heard Doug busy in the kitchen, holding a conversation with Tess.

"Now, you'll learn to like bacon eventually," he explained. "But you can't have it all the time. Too much fat and sodium. You'd lose your girlish figure." Doug chuckled, obviously enjoying himself. Carol walked in and saw Tess strapped into her infant seat on the counter, close enough for Doug to keep an eye on her, but far enough away to be safe from the spattering grease. "Hey, look who's here!" Doug exclaimed.

"She's here. Got room for one more?" Carol asked.

"Sure thing."

Once got Kate settled, she walked over to the stove. "You didn't have to do all this, Doug," she began.

He turned to her and smiled with his eyes. "No, I didn't have to. I wanted to." Carol looked down and he relished the sight of her dimples as she smiled in return.

"I'm going to finish getting dressed," Carol said, and walked into the bedroom, sliding the door closed. Once she got to the other side, she leaned against the wall and exhaled deeply. This was all too much, it was too soon. Seeing him with the girls, having him in her house after she'd had no time to prepare, emotionally, after she had done so much alone...it utterly confused her. How could she let him just come and go as he pleased, swoop down into their lives whenever he wanted to? She had spent so many hours crying, had exerted tremendous effort to make a life for herself and her children after he left. Her fear was that if he came, if he started to become a presence in her life again she would surrender all that she'd worked so hard to surmount.

The bottom line, she knew, was that because of his instability, her heart could not allow him any opportunity to move back in.

Her daydreams were stunted by the high-pitched wails in the kitchen. Time for their morning naps already. Carol hastily dashed to the bathroom, finished applying her make-up, and changed into a dry shirt. Before leaving, she examined herself in the mirror. Fine lines had appeared at the corners of her eyes, accentuated by the circles that had grown from sleep deprivation. What must he think, seeing me now?

*****

They ate breakfast after the girls were put down in their cribs. Doug had gone all-out, making home-fries with onions, omelets, bacon strips and toasted cinnamon bread. They were quiet and somewhat awkward with each other, missing the distraction of the babies. She noted, as did he, that they had settled into their regular chairs.

After they'd cleared the table, Carol insisted on washing the dishes and he watched her from behind. Her waist was just as tiny as it had been when he left, her hips curved so gently into her long legs. The dark brown, curly hair, pulled up in a hastily drawn ponytail, was disheveled and tendrils fell about her neck and her face. It lured him, seeing her like this. Being in her house, going through the motions of domestic life was having a profound effect on him. The familiar longing, his desire to be in her life grew. Once he put the food away, he approached the sink, standing behind her. Carol, sensing his proximity, stopped her work and leaned against the counter. Barely breathing, he whispered, "Carol?" He came closer and reached out to her with an uncertain hand.

"Doug...don't," she warned softly.

"Don't?" he repeated timidly.

"No. Please."

He pulled back, heart hammering within his chest, unable to take his eyes off her even as she refused to look. "I miss you, Carol. I love you."

Keeping her back to him, she shook her head and pulled herself even closer to the sink, shielding herself from him. "Please don't start this."

Doug nodded once and moved away, leaning against the refrigerator with his arms crossed, so his posture wouldn't threaten her. "Carol, I wish you'd come to Seattle with me," he said quietly. "Come back with me, take a break from working. You could look around, see if you like it. I need you with me. I want you and the girls with me, for us to be a family. I'm lonely without you. I miss being with our daughters. I miss you. I'd do anything to have you come with me."

Carol closed her eyes, unwilling to allow herself to be drawn in this way. "Doug, this isn't the time...."

He tried to reason with her. "When? When is the time?" he asked, his voice rising.

"The time was last February, I'd say," she replied resolutely.

He couldn't have been more hurt if she had struck him with her hand. "Don't you think I've been punished enough?"

The fury, the anger that she'd so far held back, finally exploded as she turned to him, amazed. "Is it always about you? Your punishment, your feelings, your loneliness?" Carol's tone was sharp and biting, her face was red with anger and her eyes blazed with resentment. "I asked you, Doug, I asked you to stay, I needed you here and you said no. When you walked away, you told me everything I needed to know. I was not your priority; I was not the most important thing to you. You, your bruised ego, the problems you brought upon yourself -- that's what you thought about. I had a decision to make last year, a decision to make alone because I *was* alone. I could no longer trust you, could no longer count on you to be stable enough to give me what I needed. I needed a man who wouldn't run, a man who wouldn't impulsively practice medicine, impulsively disregard his colleagues, impulsively treat a patient against every rule established by the hospital."

Her chest was heaving and she stopped, dumbfounded by her own outburst and the things she'd said. Yet, she knew instantly, she would not take back one word of it if given the chance.

His eyes were wider than she'd ever seen them; his mouth was open with shock and dismay. Finally, he could no longer bear to look at her because in her face he saw, finally, how he deeply he had wounded her. "I'm sorry for what I've done to you," he began. "And because of it, because of what I've done, my life is empty." His voice was caught in his throat and he strained to continue. "I have nothing. There's nothing out there. My job -- it's sterile, I don't like it. My apartment is filled with rented furniture. I go to work and I get on a plane and a few days later I come home to nothing. Carol, I'll change, I'll go to counseling, I'll do anything you want me to, but please. Please."

Shaking her head, she refused to buy into it. "No. We've been down this road before, haven't we? No. Every time I get my life together, every time I let you back in, I end up getting hurt. I'm done with it."

Doug bowed his head and neither of them spoke for a long time. "Okay, Carol," he finally choked, "okay. The only thing I'll ask from you, then, is that you don't take my girls away from me. I'm begging you...please don't keep me away from Tess and Kate. They're all I have left in the world." He walked out, then, into the living room where he could compose himself and dry his face in private.

She turned back to her task and numbly finished the dishes, wiping each drop of water off completely before putting everything away. The front door opened and she heard him go out, leaving her to wonder if he was gone for good. A few moments later, however, she heard the methodical scrape of the snow shovel on the path to her front steps. She watched from behind the curtain as he attacked the snow and ice with controlled anger. He worked for a long time without a hat or gloves on, clearing the entire sidewalk, his face a study in intense concentration and resignation.

The objective, she knew, was to busy herself in the house, to take advantage of the respite the girls' naps provided. Laundry, bill paying, all the mundane tasks she never had time for had suddenly become paramount. After a while, she realized that it had become quiet outside and her curiosity forced her to seek him out. His car was missing. Confused, she visually searched up and down the street, but the only sign of him was the snow shovel which he'd left leaning against the porch railing.

Lunch came and went, the girls woke up and Carol felt chagrined that he'd missed the time with them. Naptime came again while the afternoon passed slowly and as it did, she became resigned to the fact that he might not return. The girls woke up; she nursed them and played with them, trying hard to soothe Kate, still sick and cranky, without ignoring Tess. When the sun was lower in the sky and the house took on its customary late-afternoon chill, she heard footsteps on the porch, then sound of the doorknob. Doug entered without looking at her, carrying an armload of groceries and packages.

"Where were you?" Carol asked in a subdued voice. "I thought you were gone."

"I went shopping," was his curt answer.

"Shopping?" she asked, confused.

"Yep," he replied. Doug walked into the kitchen and she followed him, watching as he unloaded bag after bag. Canned food, baby food, diapers, wipes, meat, it all appeared within her kitchen and in no time, disappeared into the refrigerator and the cupboards.

Carol recovered from her astonishment, saying clumsily, "You want to stay for dinner? I'll heat up last night's leftovers."

"That'd be great. You need help?" he said, all the while avoiding eye contact.

"No," she responded.

"Okay, I'm going to spend some time with the girls," he decided, and walked into the living room.

The phone rang and Carol reached to answer it. "Hello?"

Doug looked up through the doorway and saw her smile.

"Hi," she continued. "No, she's still cranky...uh huh."

Her right hand was toying with her hair, he noted.

Carol frowned. "I might. I don't know." Her voice paused before she walked deeper into the kitchen. "No, it's not a good time. No, I'm okay, it's not Kate." Silence. "Not tonight. Maybe, I'll talk to you on Monday, okay? Okay. Bye." She hung up and stayed in the kitchen, wiping down the counter. Having been on the other end of those types of phone calls, he had a hunch who it was and what he wanted.

*****

During the rest of the afternoon and on into the evening, their interaction was strained and unemotional. Doug held and played with the twins while Carol busied herself with dinner. They ate it in the living room with their plates perched on their laps so he could watch them, so they could take turns trying to appease Kate's angry demands.

"It's their bedtime, Doug, I'll need to start getting them ready. Can you hold Kate so I don't have to nurse them together?" Doug nodded, took Kate from Carol and walked around in near-circles until she calmed down while Carol took care of Tess. When she finished nursing and put her in the swing, Kate started crying again.

"She feels warm," Doug noted as he held her face against his. "She's stuffy, she looks like she has an infection. Has she ever had an ear infection?"

Carol shook her head. "It's not her ears, Doug, she's already been checked."

"When?"

"Yesterday."

"Who's their pediatrician?" Doug asked as he stroked Kate's hair.

"Trevor McDaniel."

"Trevor's good, he wouldn't miss it," Doug concurred. Carol looked away and Doug recognized her guilty glance. "Did McDaniel see her?"

"No. Uh, no. One of the ER docs did," she reluctantly revealed, making a quick decision not to mention his name.

Doug looked at her through narrowed eyes. "You brought her to the hospital?"

"No. He was here." Carol looked away from him, and then explained, "I have an otoscope."

Doug paused for a moment, absorbing the fact that the man she'd talked about yesterday, the man who had probably called tonight, must spend more time here than she wanted to let on. He asked, "You have an otoscope here?"

"Yeah, I do," Carol admitted.

"Where?"

"In my...in the bedroom, top drawer."

"Hang on." Doug walked to the bedroom, pausing to slide the door open. A quick scan of the room showed him that nothing had changed. He opened her drawer and smiled slightly. Everything was neatly folded, arranged by color. He found it and went back into the living room. "Lay her down on your lap, will you, Carol?" While Carol held her, Doug bent over, gently pulling Kate's earlobe back and down while he inserted the otoscope. His face was inches from hers and she pulled away from him, not wanting to be so close. "Ahh," he complained dourly after a moment. "Not good, Katie girl."

"What?"

"Acute otitis media. Let's see the left ear." Carol repositioned Kate and Doug again examined his daughter. "Acute otitis media with effusion," he said quietly.

"Oh, Doug. Oh, no." Carol brought Kate to her chest, stroking her hair tenderly. "No wonder you're miserable, Kate! How did he miss it?"

"I don't know," Doug replied. "Maybe it wasn't this bad when he saw it. Is she allergic to any medications?"

"Not yet."

"Okay. Call Mark; tell him to call in a prescription for her at Walgreen's. Amoxicillin. I'll run down and get it."

"Can't you call it in?"

Doug shook his head lightly. "I don't want to prescribe for them. I can't, anyway, in Illinois."

"Shouldn't you use Augmentin? I want her to...."

The corners of his eyes crinkled slightly. "I'm still a pediatrician, Carol. Amoxicillin is fine."

Tess began fussing in her swing, rubbing her eyes.

"What a day. I have to change her and get her dressed for bed, but Kate is so cranky." Carol moved to get up.

"I'll do it," he offered.

She smiled gratefully and sank back down onto the couch. "Her sleepers are in the top dresser drawer in their room."

"Okay. C'mon, little girl, let's go." Carol looked after him as he held Tess in his arms and climbed the stairs. "Wanna get ready for bed, sweetheart?" he asked. Once in her room, Doug placed her down gently on the changing table and she smiled back up at him. Trailing the back of his hand over her cheek, he took her in. "You know what's comin', dontcha? You like gettin' all naked, hmm?"

Grinning, he unsnapped her outfit down both sides of her legs, lifted her up so he could unsnap the neck as well, and carefully took it off and tossed it into the hamper. "I think you need a new T-shirt here, this one's wet. You have to stop drooling, Tess my love. Guys generally don't date girls who drool." He laughed at his own silliness, and she wriggled and cooed at him "You liked my joke, did you?"

He peeled off the wet shirt and laid her back down. She squirmed and moved her legs so quickly that he chuckled. "You want that diaper off, too?" Doug took the wet diaper off and cleaned her up, finally taking a moment to gaze at her again. He was amazed, enchanted. "You are beautiful, Tess," he hushed. "Just beautiful." Doug picked her up and took her to his chest, dipping his face into her neck, smelling her beautiful fragrance, relishing her soft, tender baby skin. He held her away from him and just stared at her. His baby was perfect. The both of them were just perfect.

He carefully placed her back on the changing table and reached for a diaper on the shelf below. Finding one, he lifted her legs, put it underneath her and fastened the tabs. He picked her up and brought her over to the old chest of drawers. "Top drawer, your mother said, was that right?" he asked her softly. She looked at him seriously, as if she were sizing him up anew. He found a fresh T-shirt and a sleeper. "Here we go, this'll do." Carrying Tess and the clothes back to the changing table, he dressed her quickly. "You're all ready. How about that?" Picking her up again, taking her to his chest, he closed his eyes momentarily. She felt so good in his arms.

"Your mama said it's bedtime. You wanna rock a bit first?" As he sat in the glider, Tess dropped her head on his shoulder and brought her thumb to her mouth as her soft body molded into his. "Here we go, little girl." He held her, amazed at the sweet, overwhelming, protective love that had bloomed in his heart. He marveled that he had the chance to rock his baby girl to sleep.

Doug came back downstairs and the living room was quiet as he saw Carol sitting on the couch, cuddled under a blanket. Kate was just beginning to settle down.

"You call Mark?"

Carol looked up. "Yeah, he took care of it."

"I'm going out to Walgreen's," he told her.

"Thank you," Carol replied warmly. He watched as she lifted up her sweater without hesitation and unclasped her nursing bra, exposing her breast. Kate's mouth opened like a baby bird's and she quickly latched on, relieving the pressure. He stared for a moment before looking back up at Carol's face. His heart was full, seeing her gaze down at the baby with unabashed love.

"She nursing okay?" he asked quietly.

She smiled. "She's having a pretty rough time of it. She's been so fussy that she's not getting enough milk."

"Well, a little Ibuprofen thirty minutes before nursing might help, too. Do you have some?" Carol nodded yes. "Okay," Doug answered. "She'll be better soon."

Carol looked down, and whispered to her daughter, "Sometimes it's a pain in the neck, having a pediatrician around. I was looking for a little sympathy."

Doug chuckled. "She does have my sympathy. You do, too. I'll be right back." Picking up his coat and keys, he went out into the cold night.

He pulled up at the neighborhood Walgreens, the same one he'd come to over a year ago to buy a pregnancy test. He made his way past the candy and the magazines, to the back of the store where the pharmacy was located. He had to wait in line and then, finally, was waited upon.

"Hi, I'm here to pick up a prescription, Amoxicillin, for my daughter. Kate Hathaway."

"Did you drop it off?" the pharmacy technician asked him.

"No, it was called in, a Dr. Greene would have called it in. Katherine Hathaway?"

The technician looked through the bags, shaking her head. "Are you sure he called it into this Walgreens?"

Doug shrugged his shoulders. "I thought he did."

"Let me look in the computer." Turning her back to him, she clicked her way through a variety of screens and came up empty. "Let me ask the pharmacist. I'll be right back." Doug waited, tapping the counter, until she returned, smiling. "We have a prescription for a Katherine Hathaway Ross."

Doug stared at her, then took the proffered bag and examined the label. "Yes," he affirmed quietly. "Yes, this is my daughter."

"Do you have the insurance card?" she asked.

"Hmm?" Doug answered, never taking his eyes from the label.

"Do you have your insurance card?"

"Uh, no, no," he replied, flustered. "I'll pay cash." Doug fished into his pocket, bringing out his wallet, and paid for the prescription, thanking her distractedly before exiting the store. Once he was in the car, he turned on the overhead light to look at it again. Katherine Hathaway Ross. His daughter.

*****

When Doug got home, the lights in the living room were on, but he saw no sign of Carol or Kate. After he placed the Walgreen's bag on the kitchen table, he pushed his shoes off and approached the dimly lit bedroom. He could see her lying there, curled up with her back to the door. He stepped in and saw that Carol was asleep, naked from the waist up, most likely after trying to comfort and nurse Kate. Her hair was down now and covered the pillow. Gazing at her, he was amazed at her loveliness. The comforter next to her began moving and Kate began squirming and making noises in her sleep, getting ready to wake up and cry.

"Shh, shh, c'mere, little girl," he whispered, walking around to the other side of the bed. He picked the baby up, smoothed the covers over Carol, and quietly walked out.

An hour later, Carol stirred. She heard something, but was so tired she had trouble placing what it was and where it was coming from. Opening her eyes, she panicked for a moment, looking for Kate. Did I put her back in the crib, she asked herself? Listening again, she heard the baby in the living room and realized that it was Kate's cry that had awakened her.

Pulling back the covers, she put on her robe and peeked out of the bedroom. There they were: Doug and Kate, father and daughter, walking in the moonlight, Doug's hands gently cradling her; her head on his shoulder, tucked underneath his. Remaining quiet, Carol strained to listen.

"...all that fuss, your ears must hurt. Now that you have that medicine in you, you need to sleep a little. Your mama is tired, taking care of you and your big sister all day. Let's keep quiet so she can sleep a bit. Hey, no sucking on my neck." His chuckle was deep and warm.

While watching his tenderness, his sweetness with Kate, Carol was spellbound. "You know," he continued, "you and your sister, you're gonna look just like her. You're going to be beautiful and smart and successful just like her, too. I want to be close to you, to love both of you and take care of you your whole life. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to leave you tonight."

Carol flinched, hearing those words from him. Words of love and devotion from a son who never knew what it was like to have his father around. From Doug, a father who'd just met his daughters. From this man who had left her because she gave him no choice, and he gave her no options. She realized that he wanted to cherish them in a way he never was.

Doug began singing softly, swaying back and forth as he rocked her gently, one hand playing with the soft tuft of hair on her head, the other one rubbing her back.

"In the wee small hours of the morning,

While the whole wide world is fast asleep,

You lie awake and think about the girl

And never ever think of counting sheep.

"When your lonely heart has learned its lesson,

You'd be hers if only she would call.

In the wee small hours of the morning,

That's the time you miss her most of all."

The baby was quiet now, but Doug showed no signs of putting her down yet. He sat in the chair that was once his favorite and shifted her so she was on his chest, so he could look down at her. Carol was about to walk in, when he started talking again. His voice was melodious and soothing. "You and Tess are precious to me, just like your mother is. I lie awake at night out in Seattle because of her, too. Thinking about her. It's easy to spend time thinking about her, you know? I love her, and I am all alone without her. I miss her every day, Kate. Every day. I don't get to...hold her in my arms like I can hold you now. And I don't get to tell her how much I love her like I can tell you. All I can do is dream about her." He kissed the top of her head. "And dream about you and your sister. About this. Seeing you guys for the first time. I think about you every day, too, you know. I have this...this picture of you in my desk, and I can just open the drawer and look at you any time I want to."

At that, Carol blinked back tears, took a calming breath, and opened the door so he could hear her enter. "Hey, want me to take her?" she whispered.

Doug looked up, surprised. "No, I'm fine. I was trying to hold her off so you could get some sleep. Go back to bed."

"I gave her Ibuprofen. I think it helped," she told him warmly. "Doug...where'd you learn that song?"

Ducking his head slightly, he smiled. "My mother used to sing it. I mean, she used the word 'boy,' but she used to sing it at night, when I was in bed and she was doing laundry or packing my lunch. Even though he was a bastard, she was lonely without him, Carol. She loved him."

"Are you going back to the hotel tonight?" she asked, struggling to quell the sadness in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm tired. I think last night, the late flight, the time change caught up with me."

Carol nodded and swallowed hard. "Will we see you in the morning?"

Doug winced slightly, as if he hated the reminder that he had a different life, a life that didn't include holding his daughters. "I, uh, I don't think so, Carol. I was thinking that maybe I'd go early. I was supposed to be in Buffalo yesterday and I'm not ready for that. There are some things I haven't finished." Doug brushed his lips against Kate's fine hair. "I guess...I guess I'll never be ready to leave Tess and Kate. I don't know how I'm going to do that." He smiled at her and looked down at his restless child.

She nodded, swallowing hard. Just then, the quiet was shattered by a pained scream. Carol closed her eyes and sighed. "Aw, Kate. God, I thought she was going to stay asleep."

Doug saw her square her shoulders as she moved to take her. "I tell you what," he called over Kate's cries. "Why don't you go to bed, Carol? Just go back to bed. I have her."

The relief that washed over Carol's face broke his heart. "But don't you need to get going?"

"Nah, that's okay. I won't sleep anyway. Get some sleep. I'll get her back to bed, close up behind me."

"That would be so...great," Carol admitted. She paused before asking again. "Then, I won't see you in the morning?"

"No," he replied, smiling compassionately.

The realization washed over her. He was leaving again. This is how it would be. He'd come for a day, maybe a few days, then he'd leave and she'd be alone again. The reality of her life was that even though he was their father, she would always be a single mother. "Okay. I'm glad that you came. It was great seeing you with the girls," she added quietly.

"Can I come back?"

Carol clutched for a moment.

"I mean, would it be okay if I came to see them? I travel a lot; I can come through Chicago. When it's convenient for you, I mean."

"Oh. Yeah. You just have to let me know, Doug. There's so much going on, I'll need to know ahead of time."

"Sure, sure," he nodded. "I wouldn't just show up, I'd give plenty of notice." What would he stumble in on, he wondered, if he didn't? Doug stood up, trying to calm Kate, and moved to Carol's side. He smiled and kissed her forehead. "Thank you."

"For what?" she asked, looking up at him with wide eyes.

Doug ducked his head and looked at her shyly. "For letting me come. For giving birth to my daughters. For everything you've done for them."

If at that very moment he could have captured her expression, he would have kept it as a reminder of why he loved her so much.

Carol kissed his cheek in return. "Thank you. Thank you for giving them to me. Thanks for coming here, Doug."

"Go to sleep, Carol," he admonished her tenderly.

"Okay. Good night, Doug," she replied and walked away.

"And, Carol?"

She turned to him.

"Cash the checks."

Lowering her lashes, she nodded and walked into her room, closing the door.

The next morning she woke up before her children for the first time in months. The house was empty and spotless but for the beer bottle left on the end table next to Kate's red pacifier. Carol sighed and went to the kitchen to make some cocoa for herself. There was a note on the table, and she reached out for it with great trepidation.

"Dear Carol,

I want to tell you again how much it means to me that I could come here to see you, Tess, and Kate. They are everything I'd dreamed they'd be and more. You've done an amazing job, and my respect for you continues to grow.

Bueller's Heating and Cooling will call on Monday to make an appointment to fix or replace the furnace. I've arranged for them to bill me. Please don't cancel it.

I will continue to miss you and the girls. I'll call soon to see when I might be able to visit again. I love you, Carol. That hasn't changed. I love you.

Doug."

Some time went by until the sound of her children crying jarred her back to reality. She moved to tend to them once again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When your lonely heart has learned its lesson,  
You'd be hers if only she would call.  
In the wee small hours of the morning,  
That's the time you miss her most of all."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The end


End file.
